


Take Off

by Kaillingme (Setty94)



Category: EXO (Band), K-pop
Genre: Alternate Universe - Ballet, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-25
Updated: 2017-05-25
Packaged: 2018-11-04 15:26:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10993713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Setty94/pseuds/Kaillingme
Summary: Sometimes the choices you think are right, turn out to hurt those you love the most.





	1. The Departure

**Author's Note:**

> Heavily influenced by Mao's Last Dancer and the song Take Off by Jeremih.

 

_The Departure..._

 

The sun peered in through the sheer curtains as it rose higher into the sky. The window was barely opened, so a cold breeze caused the gossamer fabric to billow delicately. The moment of clarity was sustained in the silence of the world. As the drowsiness from the night before faded away to the quiet morning bliss.

Suddenly a train rumbled by on the nearby tracks, shaking the room slightly and providing that familiar tremble on the bed. Kyungsoo’s eyes slowly opened and he found himself laying on his back staring at the ceiling. He listened briefly to the advancing train before rolling to a sitting position.

He glanced back at Jongin’s sleeping figure and heaved a huge sigh. The love of his life was resting peacefully, completely oblivious to the twisting thoughts running through his head. The rumbling grew louder until the windows rattled and then it stopped and the room was quiet once more. Everything was still except for the gentle rise and fall of Jongin’s chest.

Kyungsoo pushed himself to his feet, scrunching his toes in the carpet and shuffled to their kitchen. The apartment was small - a simple one bedroom/one bathroom with a tiny kitchen living room - all they could afford with their combined salaries, but it was home to them nonetheless. It was the only place they had remained for longer than a few months as Kyungsoo’s job kept them moving from place to place.

Since Jongin was only a ballet dancer, he usually found a company and applied to them. He was lucky if he stayed long enough to perform in one of their shows. Although he never voiced his disappointment to Kyungsoo, he knew that he hated how he never could show his true potential.

That was what had brought on the thoughts in Kyungsoo’s mind. He felt as though he was holding Jongin from his dreams. He knew their constant moving kept him from creating a big name for himself, but with his job he was required to move every few months. Yet, somehow he was able to prolong their stay in this apartment for almost six months. And in those six months, Jongin had prepared for the show that was in a few weeks.

It wasn’t until yesterday, when he received a letter stating his immediate presence in a new location in another country, that he started playing with the idea of leaving Jongin so that he could finally pursue his dream. Thoughts of the sort plagued him all night. They permeated his every move and it was even apparent in his cooking.

 

“This tastes a little funny, Soo.” Jongin wrinkled his nose as he took another bite, his face taking on a thoughtful expression. He simply shrugged his shoulders and kept eating as if it did not bother him. Every now and then he gave Kyungsoo a grateful smile as he cleaned his plate.

Kyungsoo grinded his teeth to keep the bubbling emotions from washing over. He had been so preoccupied with his thoughts that he was not even sure how much seasoning he had put in the food. He ended up putting in too much as he could barely taste it past the debilitating guilt he was feeling.

He let his empty plate clatter to the ground and turned abruptly on his heel. He needed a cold shower to clear his mind. He needed time to think about how he was single handedly ruining his Jongin’s future.

 

He waited as the coffee machine brewed his morning coffee before the idea finally struck him. He rushed to the computer and ordered a one-way ticket to China. He figured that if he wrote Jongin a letter before he left that maybe in a few years he wouldn’t hate him so much for leaving him so suddenly.

A few minutes later, he printed off the ticket receipt and tucked it inside his coat pocket. He took a deep breath and steeled himself as he took out some pen and paper. His letter was short and brief, but he felt that it held everything that he wanted to say.

 

**Jongin,**

**I believe it’s time for us to end this. I am only holding you back from your dreams and I cannot live with myself knowing that. You are such a talented dancer and deserve to be able to perform and make a name for yourself. I know that I can’t be your everything, so I’m asking you to be your everything. It’s not going to be easy, but eventually you’ll forget about me and it’ll be like I never even existed...so follow your dreams. I love you.**

**Kyungsoo**

 

He wiped the tears from his cheeks and padded back into their room. He stared longingly at the only person in his life that had changed him for the better and placed it on the nightstand. He hoped he’d be long gone by the time Jongin woke up. He kissed him lightly on the temple before slipping out the door.

The icy wind bit into his skin, flushing his cheeks and stinging his eyes. He held his coat closer to his body and trudged towards the station. The sidewalk was cracked and the streets had litter strewn about, but those were things that Kyungsoo was used to seeing. It was part of the city and if anything focusing on them kept him from collapsing into a pile of loose limbs and tear streaked cheeks.

People walked around him as if he was nothing more than a pillar. No one made eye contact with him, no one touched him, no one seemed to acknowledge him. He was one of the faceless people, doomed to never be seen. It made him think of how monotonous his life was before Jongin.

Kyungsoo shook his head to erase those thoughts and instead tried to focus on the good times they shared. He remembered their first date. Jongin had taken him to see an afternoon soccer game, then the movies, and finally the beach.

The game itself was interesting, he sat close enough to Jongin to feel the heat radiating off of him and to smell his spicy scent. They talked a little, but eventually warmed up to each other and found that they could not shut up and paid more attention to each other than the game itself.

The movie was quite boring, something that Kyungsoo honestly had no interest in, but decided to watch because Jongin seemed genuinely intrigued by it. In truth, they did not watch much of it as soon as they figured out that they were the only ones in the theater and soon hands found themselves exploring the unfamiliar expanses of each other. Lips brushed and tongues tasted. By the end of the movie they were both out of breath and extremely exhilarated.

Finally at the beach, they sat and talked until the early hours of the morning. When the sun began to show signs of rising, they sat near the water, toes buried in the sand, hands intertwined and simply listened to the sounds of the waves crashing. It was the single most romantic date Kyungsoo had ever been on and nothing would ever top it.

Kyungsoo neared the ticket booth to trade in his receipt for an actual ticket. His gloved hands shaking, not from the cold, but from nerves. He took the ticket that the man handed him and glanced at the timeboard. His departure would be at noon, so he had a few hours to wait.

He ambled over to an empty bench by his stop and plunked down. He thought of all the stuff he was leaving behind in the apartment and wondered what Jongin would do with it, once he found the note. His throat constricted at the thought of Jongin’s distraught face and he buried his head between his knees.

He contemplated going back and apologizing, but then the thought of making him miss his show broke him down. He sat there, sobbing pitifully, longing for Jongin’s warm touch and gentle caresses. He wanted Jongin to tell him that he was making the right choice for them

 

 

 

A few hours later, Kyungsoo was sitting in the plush seats by the window. He scanned the crowd, looking for that familiar blonde hair bobbing up and down. His heart sped up for about two seconds when he thought he caught sight but then he realized it wasn’t his beloved Jongin so he stared at his black gloved hands instead. He could have sworn he heard his name being shouted, but when he looked up again, the train had already left the station.

The ride was long and boring. He watched at the bland scenery passed by him with no emotion. He felt hollow as if part of him was no longer there anymore. He had already taken off his gloves and his hands were clenched into small fists as he tried to keep the tears from spilling over. He told himself that they could grow as long as they were far apart. He repeated over and over in his head that he was benefiting Jongin by erasing himself from his life. Yet, no matter how much he said this, it did not hurt any less..

He blinked faster and took deep breaths but to no avail. Before he knew it, he was a sobbing, limp mess on the seat. He had sunk down until his knees hit the ground and the only thing holding him to the seat was the feeble grasp of his hands.. He felt grateful that he had chosen a booth so that no one could see him at his weakest, but part of him wanted someone to console him, and to tell him that he was right.

The leather stuck to his damp cheek as he tried to lift his heavy head. His sides ached from his weeping and his throat felt as though someone had shoved a pinecone down it. His knees felt bruised from leaning on the hard ground and his eyes felt puffy. It took all his remaining strength to push himself into some semblance of normalcy. Sniffling silently and waiting for the red tint to fade away.

He stared at his reflection as the sky went from the dull grey-blue to a deep purple-red. He knew his nose would be tinged pink from his hours of despair, but as he watched the colors change, he felt a sort of numbing sensation. He was not quite happy, he supposed he would never be as happy by himself as he was with Jongin, but the numbness was something he welcomed.

           With that in mind, he shut the thick curtains and ordered an entire bottle of liquor to drown his sorrows. He could only hope that somehow, Jongin was okay and in a much better state than he was in. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he remembered that Jongin had a show, and he made a promise to himself that he would see him perform one day.


	2. The Discovery

[Mood Music](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eEU2Br8mNJc)

_The Discovery..._

 

Jongin awoke to the sound of a train rattling the window panes. He instinctively reached over for Kyungsoo only to find his side of the bed uninhabited and cold. It did not surprise him that Kyungsoo had awakened first, as he usually did, so he simply laid in bed straining his ears to hear the familiar sounds of his other half tinkering in the kitchen. When he could not hear the slightest sound, he rolled off his side and onto his feet.

He swayed slightly, having gotten up much too fast, and pinched the bridge of his nose as he steadied himself. After a moment of recovery he shuffled sleepily into the kitchen only to find it completely empty as well. Wrinkling his nose and creasing his brows, he wracked his mind for an explanation and decided to check the refrigerator.

Inside there was the usual supply of ingredients and drinks, however the milk levels were low. That answered Jongin’s suspicions and he simply went back to the room to try to get a few more minutes of sleep.

He passed by Kyungsoo’s bare nightstand, which caused him to notice a sheet of paper sitting on his own once he sat down on the edge of the bed. His hands shook as he read the first line. Pain shot through him, laced with fear and anxiety. He let the letter slip through his fingers as he rose to shaky feet. His breath stopped in his chest as he tried to comprehend what he had just read.

How could Kyungsoo say that to him? Surely this had to be some type of joke. He raked his hand through his blonde strands and stared at the thin carpet between his toes. The room suddenly felt alien to him, as if he had woken up in a different place altogether.

He sank down further into the mattress and blinked rapidly to hold the barrage of tears that threatened to pour forth. He felt a chill creep up his back and shivered involuntarily. He let himself fall to one side, head barely connecting with the down feathered pillow, and the sensation hardly registered. He took a cautious breath and laid there for a few minutes before rolling out of bed, his foot crushing the letter, and going over to the computer.

He was not sure why he was drawn to it, it was almost as if some force was pushing him towards it and he complied. He moved the mouse, and the machine sprang to life, the fans whirring for a few moments, before the screen faded to life.

There was one window open: the internet. So Jongin checked the browsing history and after a brief scan, he sprinted to the room to throw on the first articles of clothing he could find. He did not care of what he put on, his shoes weren’t even the same style, one was red and the other was grey. He grabbed the first coat he could find and slung that over his bare back and shoved his hands into the pockets.

The sun blinded him momentarily, but he was not fazed. He knew he had about ten minutes to get to the station and talk Kyungsoo out of it. He had to. He rehearsed exactly what he was going to say to him as he ran to the station. He scanned the crowd for a fiery redhead, but saw no one.

His panic lead him to glance up at the train that was about to depart and that was when his stomach dropped. He could see him sitting by the window staring dead ahead of himself. Jongin screamed his name and the people nearest to him gave him strange looks. He whipped his head around trying to think.

He sprinted towards the door to the cabin, but the doorman shoved him backwards. “I have to get on this train! You don’t understand!” Jongin voice cracked slightly and his breathing sped up. His heart hammered in his chest in outright fear and despite the cold, he was sweating lightly.

“No can do sir. No ticket, no ride.” The doorman explained professionally.

“I need to get on. I don’t even have to stay. I just have to talk to him.” Jongin begged.

“Okay, you have - “ the doorman turned to listen to his supervisor and then looked solemnly at Jongin. “I’m sorry kid, there’s nothing I can do. Your best bet is to get on the next train to China. There will be one tomorrow.”

“I don’t have until tomorrow! I need to speak to him now.” His voice trailed off towards the end, knowing he was already defeated.

The doorman simply shook his head and stepped back as the doors slid shut.

Jongin swallowed thickly and tried to calm his racing mind. He ran back to Kyungsoo’s window and cried out his name over and over, until he broke down into a coughing fit. His eyes watered at the corners as he hacked, throat feeling raw and dry.

The train began to move, and despite the crowd of people thickening, Jongin pushed through them as he tried to keep up with the train, shouting Kyungsoo’s name. He reached the end of the platform and watched helplessly as the last cabin roared past him. The wind whipped his hair in front of his eyes as the train faded into a tiny black speck against the grey and naked trees.

He bit his lip and turned slowly, eyes seeing nothing but the words from the letter as they filled with tears. He absently wiped them away and stood by himself for a few minutes. He composed himself quickly and acknowledged the woman staring at him with a small nod and a fake smile, it never reached his eyes and was gone in a flash.

The walk back to the apartment was filled with arctic winds whistling through the bare trees and dark alleyways. The leaves, mixed with various bits of paper litter, swirled in the air, and the bottles and cans rolled sluggishly, sloshing their contents and wetting the ground even more.

The red and blue ‘Open’ flickered as Jongin approached the local liquor store. He contemplated going in and buying one of everything, but he had practice early the next morning and did not want to inhibit his performance, he was the lead after all. He noticed a slovenly man sitting outside holding a cup and a sign proclaiming his homelessness and it gave him pause. He walked up to the man and gave him every bit of money he had in his pocket, which amounted to about twenty dollars, and wished him well.

He left the man, expecting to feel marginally better, but he still felt numb. He could see his body shivering, but he could not feel it. Still, he had to get inside before he caught a cold. He had to be in top shape for practice tomorrow as it was the first of the major dress rehearsals.

☁

 

The second Jongin crossed the threshold, he broke down. His face was drenched in the quickly cooling tears. His lungs burned and his head hurt as though something were trying to burst out. There was a dull aching in his chest, as if his heart was physically breaking. His throat felt constricted and breathing was even more difficult. A single whimper broke free and he let himself cry with no regard. His sobs filled the empty room and echoed back at him, mocking him. He felt the first wave of crying recede and pushed himself into a sitting position.

Jongin remained rooted to his spot by the back of the sofa long after the sun had set. He had been crying off and on since he got back that morning. He had not had a single bite to eat, but the pangs of hunger were drowned by his grief. He was hollow inside, completely broken and swallowed in darkness. His eyes found the blanket dangling off the back of the couch and he reached for it, bringing it to his face and inhaling deeply. He didn’t know why he did it, it was almost robotic how he brought it to his nose. It had Kyungsoo’s scent, as he expected, and once again the floodgates opened and he curled into a ball around the blanket.

He must have dozed off somehow, because the next thing Jongin knew, he was being woken up by the sound of the alarm on his phone. He scrambled to his feet and shuffled through their bedroom door. He was hit by a wave of emotions so strong he actually stumbled.

It looked as if Kyungsoo had just woken up and gone to work. His glasses were still hanging outside of the nightstand drawer, his boxers strewn about on the floor from when Jongin had tugged them off a few nights earlier. His shoes were neatly paired up on their shelf and all his clothing remained in the closet.

The alarm on Jongin’s phone silenced itself on it’s own and he numbly reached for it, eyes glued to all of Kyungsoo’s belongings. He had to come back, there was no way he’d leave all his stuff and not come back to get it. Jongin steadied his breathing and dressed himself for practice all while forcing himself to believe the lie.

“Mr. Kim! You’re early,” exclaimed Jongin’s director, smiling brightly until he saw his face. “Is everything okay?”

Jongin scanned the room first before answering. The mirrors lined one wall, while costumes were hanging on the rack against another. There were several chairs stacked neatly by the door, and the lights were still flickering to life slowly. He was indeed early, as no one else had shown up aside from his director who still had his leather bag slung over his shoulder. His navy blue long sleeved shirt was rolled up to his elbows and his spectacles had slid down his nose. “Yeah...everything is fine.” He smiled weakly and added, “Just a rough night.”

His director nodded sympathetically and placed a reassuring hand on Jongin’s shoulder. “Use it to fuel your dance.”

Jongin nodded again and quickly shed his coat and shoes. He let his mind go quiet as he stretched and simply experienced his emotions. It was not long before he was running through the routine, while ad libbing a few parts, and just letting his worries roll off him. He tried to keep his mind from going to Kyungsoo, but he could only do so for so long without compromising his performance.

When he let the wall inside him fall, everything rushed forth in an instant. He went for a simple spin and suddenly he was back in the park with Kyungsoo, grasping his hands and spinning with him. He opened his eyes only to see his reflection in the mirror and a heaviness settled over him. He crumpled to the ground and laid there.

In the mirror he had bags under his eyes and his skin was washed out. He looked as though he had lost his spark and in more ways than one, he had. He felt the tear roll across his nose and tried to push himself up, but his arms felt so weak.

“Jongin, take a break.” The director handed him a towel and helped him to his feet. “How about today we just talk?”

Jongin shook his head. He pursed his lips as if to say he was afraid of what might come out if he did. The director squeezed his shoulder and led him to a chair and pushed him onto it. He then pulled up his own chair and sighed.

“When I first moved here from Russia, I was so alone.” He stared at the floor. “For about two weeks I stayed in my room if I wasn’t at practice. Back then, because I was new, the other dancers did not speak to me so I danced alone as well. It went on like that until I accidentally bumped into a girl at a bus stop. When I looked into her eyes, I knew she was the one, but I only spoke Russian.” He sighed again and then smiled sadly. “Turned out she was from Russia as well and we were headed to the same studio. She was my first partner and love. After a year, we got married. She was the light of my life, my everything, and I had never loved another woman like I loved her.”

The director looked Jongin in the eyes, “Five years into our marriage, she died of cancer.” He swallowed and took a deep breath. “I was a wreck for months. Constantly drunk, skipping rehearsals and I got kicked out the studio. I hit rock bottom. It wasn’t until I came here to this studio and saw myself in the mirror. I looked at that man and was disgusted in what I saw. From then on, I used my pain for dancing. I became world renown and had a great career.”

He took Jongin’s hand in his own. “That was over thirty years ago and yet it still hurts like yesterday. I don’t know what happened, but I know that look, Jongin, and I want to say, don’t give up. Because, here,” he pointed to Jongin’s chest, “Here is where dance comes from, and when it’s messed up, the dance is too. You have amazing talent and it can’t be wasted, so use what’s in here, and let it be healed through dance.”

Jongin nodded. He did not know how to react, but he felt strangely calm. He continued nodding and rose to his feet. He needed to be alone for a bit to think about what had happened in order to move past it. He gave the director a weak smile and grabbed his bag. “Thank you.”

 

☁

 

A few months later, Jongin grabbed his coat from the back of his new chair. He had moved to a slightly nicer apartment farther from the train station and closer to the studio last week. It still felt strange to be on his own, but he was slowly getting used to it. He still had Kyungsoo’s stuff in several boxes at the back of the closet and so far he had resisted the urge to unpack any of it. Part of him hoped he would see him again, but he had no clue where he went or for how long he’d be gone, and so he kept his stuff neatly packed away.

However since Kyungsoo’s departure, he had been excelling in the studio. Not only did he have the main part for the biggest show in the country, but he would be finding out if his audition to go overseas for world renown show was accepted. He hoped he got the part, but he knew that would mean leaving the studio and the thought of leaving pained him.

It wasn’t until that night that he received the letter telling him he had been accepted and to await for the next letter with the plane tickets and address for his housing. When he opened the letter, he looked around and almost called Kyungsoo’s name and instead sat down and stared out the window.

His eyes pricked and he ran his hand through his hair. “I made it. Wasn’t that what you wanted?”

After a while he got up and went for a walk. It was much warmer outside, so he donned a simple t-shirt and a pair of jeans. His new neighborhood was busier than his old one and much cleaner and yet he missed the sounds of the train rattling by. He waved as he passed a few of his dancer friends and kept going until he was at the studio.

Inside it was dark but he didn’t care. He inhaled deeply and closed his eyes. When he opened them he noticed the director walking to the front door. He greeted him with a nod and just stared at his reflection. He’d lost a bit of weight over the past six months but he figured that was due to all the extra practice.

The director came up behind him and placed a hand on his shoulder, “Go for it, Jongin.”

“But what if I don’t like it there?” He felt the panic rise in him and his throat tighten.

“It’s your chance to become big, take it. Take it and let the world know who you are.” He gave him a pat on the back and walked to the office in the back.

Jongin chewed his lip. He wanted to make it big, nearly every dancer does, but what was he leaving behind? It was the first place he had stayed at for almost a year. It was actually the first studio he actively enjoyed. Plus, he had grown close to the director and saw him as somewhat of a father figure. As he walked out the door, he said tiny goodbye in the back of his mind. If Kyungsoo could leave everything behind like that, he could too. Of course he’d do it the right way and leave a form of contact behind.

☁

 

One month later, Jongin stood in the line at a very busy airport. Everyone was on their phones talking or texting and there were several infants crying, but he was not annoyed. His eyes remained rooted in the direction of the train station. He could see the smoke puffing and part of him wondered if Kyungsoo was on that train. How ironic that’d be if he was.

As he boarded the plane he thought of yesterday. He had left a letter with the director and the landlord of the old place if Kyungsoo ever came back. He wrote that he had forgiven him and even understood why he had done what he had done. He mentioned that he was moving overseas to be in a grand ballet, but he did not mention the name or date. He did not want to get his hopes up that Kyungsoo might be at the opening show only to have them crushed when he wasn’t there.

The light to put on their seatbelts flashed and he buckled himself in and stared out at the runway. He imagined that he saw Kyungsoo running down towards the plane screaming and waving his arms. He imagined him begging the attendant to just get on to see one person. He imagined him somehow getting through and sprinting towards him, tears running down his face. He imagined kissing him and holding him. Then he stopped. As the plane lifted into the air, he vowed to himself that he would never think of him again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last Updated in 2013, but I'm posting the final update tonight.


	3. The Destination

[Mood Music](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nxTMviSv4Rw) + [Mood Music](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VVl0mgqGx5M) + [Performance Music](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HhdXZD6t3ac) + [Last Scene](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SkywfRHGIqI)

 

 

_The Destination..._

 

 

 

Kyungsoo tossed his jacket on the back of the only chair he had in his small one bedroom apartment. It was a rather cheap one that his job paid for, but it worked for him. After all, he did not need much space since it was only him. He winced at the thought and stood by the chair longer than he intended to.

Since traveling to China for his job, he had been sent overseas to the States for an extended stay as a part of his promotion. It was ironic to say the least. If he had waited a few more months he would have been able to take Jongin with him. It was some kind of cruel joke that was being played on him and the moment he was promoted he cursed himself.

His heart still ached for the blonde hair boy, and each night he plagued his dreams. He knew he’d never forgive himself for leaving him like that. He was the elder in the relationship, so he should have been more mature about breaking it off.

He slumped as he walked into the kitchen to make a quick meal. He brushed the crumbs off the counter from last night and when he reached for a clean dish rag he noticed he had none. He knew he had let things get bad, but it never really hit him until he opened the fridge and saw only a single apple and some juice.

Kyungsoo’s feet stuck to the linoleum floor as he left the kitchen to grab his coat. He walked past the mound of takeout food sitting in the trash and sighed. He needed to get back on track soon. He ran his fingers through his hair, knowing the bright red had faded to a rusty orange and his roots were in desperate need of a touch up.

He didn’t need a mirror to tell him that the bags under his eyes had been a permanent feature since leaving Jongin, or the fact that his cheeks had become so sallow from lack of appetite that his clothes no longer fit right. He also knew it wouldn’t take much for him to leave it all behind if he knew Jongin would forgive him. He knew he would admit his wrong doings, but he was still frightened of Jongin’s response.

Outside it was a bit chillier than he had expected, so he pulled his coat tighter around him as he walked to the local grocery store. He had only been in the States for a few weeks, but he had yet to use the car his company gave him. His small apartment was close enough to everything he needed, the grocery store, the liquor store, and he simply carpooled with other workers so he could have some time to himself to think.

The cashier gave him a strange look when he entered. He assumed it was his appearance. He had not showered in two days so he supposed he looked rather grimy, but without anyone to make him want to be his best, he felt no need to look good. Besides, it was not like he needed to impress anyone, especially with Jongin still back where he left him, or at least that was what he assumed. He had fought all urges to check on him, but it still tore him apart.

A lady tapped his shoulder and brought him out of thought. “Excuse me sir, are you okay?”

Kyungsoo gave her a sad quirk of the lips and started walking down the aisle to the ready-made meals. He wanted something quick and cheap – not that money was an issue – but he felt that was all he deserved.

In the corner of his eye, he saw a blonde haired male approach him from the side. His heart quickened, but when he turned, it was not Jongin. He knew the disappointment showed on his face but he simply did not care. It had been far too long for him to even care what others thought of him.

He paid for his food in the checkout line and left the store. He contemplated going to the liquor store, but his boss had just promoted him, so he did not want to jeopardize his career just yet. Still, the urge to drown out his thoughts tempted him. He gave the store a forlorn look and kept walking.

As he passed the large window of a closed shop, he noticed a poster of a ballet that was going to be performed in the next town over. Part of him wondered why it was being advertised where he was, but he shrugged and moved closer to it. The silhouette of the male dancer looked painfully familiar, but he brushed it off as his hopeful heart playing tricks on him. He scanned the names and when he saw Jongin’s in the print, the bags fell from his fingers.

He quickly tore it from the window and tucked it in his coat before picking his bags up and briskly walking to his home. Inside he washed his hands and put his meal in the oven as the directions called for. He had laid the poster on the small table and forced himself to ignore it for the time being. How could Jongin be in the States? Kyungsoo chewed his lip and stared at the meal as it slowly cooked.

After he ate, he allowed himself to examine the poster thoroughly. The show was in three months and tickets were relatively expensive – as far as ballets were concerned. He wondered if Jongin was living in the next town over and frowned. Somehow, they had ended up in the same state, less than thirty miles from each other, at the same time. Fate had to be tempting him.

That night, Kyungsoo dreamed of Jongin again. This time, however, instead of him dreaming of Jongin not being able to see him, he dreamed of Jongin on stage. He watched him perform and there were tears on his face as he watched from the crowd. He had managed to get front row seats and when Jongin glanced at him he could see the pause in his dancing. He could see the recognition in his eyes behind the mask even if it was there for only a flash.

When he woke the next morning, his face was still wet with tears. He sat on the edge of the twin sized bed and decided it was time he tried to make things right.

~*~

Jongin sat in the chair while the stylist massaged his scalp. His show was in two days and he had to look the part. The sun shone in from the windows of the salon and the televisions were playing some type of romance movie. His chest tightened and his neck stiffened when the girl stood in the road calling out the guy’s name as he left. It brought back a flood of memories he thought he had gotten over. It had been almost a year since Kyungsoo had left. In fact, he was performing on the anniversary of the day he left which bothered him in more ways than one.

The hairdresser froze and then resumed without saying a word when the tears started rolling down Jongin’s face. Jongin silently thanked her in his mind once he was able to pull back his emotions. He couldn’t believe that after all this time, he was still brought to tears at mere thoughts of Kyungsoo. He had been doing so well lately.

He had gone on a few dates and was about to start seeing a new guy that he had met while rehearsing for the show. The new guy reminded him of Kyungsoo in stature, but that was where their similarities ended. He had felt it was better that way and that if he tried dating anyone like Kyungsoo, then he would risk projecting his feelings about him on them. Therefore, he resolved himself to ending things with the new guy. It would not be fair to him if he was still not over Kyungsoo.

The hairdresser lightly pushed Jongin back so that his hair was under the water. She rinsed out the gray dye and continued to massage Jongin’s scalp. The sound of the water was soothing and constant. It lulled Jongin into a trance. He found himself thinking about Kyungsoo even more now. Wondering if somehow, he had gotten his letter and wondering if he was happy.

Jongin sat up at the hairdresser’s direction and followed her to another chair for his hair to dry. He gave her a small empty smile and stared at his hands. Images of Kyungsoo grabbing them and pulling him around a corner to kiss him flooded his eyes. He could see the way his eyes scrunched up when he laughed, he could hear his voice as he sang while in the shower, and he could feel the gentle warmth of his body against his as if they were lying next to each other.

With a blink, Jongin cleared away the images. He followed the hairdresser again to another chair and listened as she chattered about how excited she was for his show. He responded appropriately with nods and sounds of agreement when prompted. Yet, his mind was still elsewhere. His mind was back in Korea where he had last seen Kyungsoo. His mind was back in their small one bedroom apartment where they laughed, cried, fought, and made up. His mind was back at the dinner table where he had watched Kyungsoo go through the motions of eating the night before he left.

Jongin bit his lip and sighed. He needed to be focused for the show and thoughts of Kyungsoo were not going to help. He thanked the hairdresser as she put the finishing touches on his hair and tipped her.

 

 

At the studio, Jongin stretched in silence for their last rehearsal. He had ended things with the new guy and everyone in the studio had decided to comfort him instead of Jongin. Not that it really mattered to Jongin anyway, but he still wished that someone would tell him he was right to end things. He glanced at his fellow dancer and then quickly looked back at his toes. He reached for them and rested his chest against his thighs as he continued to stretch. _‘Focus on the show.’_

Rehearsal went without any further hitches and the director was extremely pleased. She gave everyone a hug and as they were leaving. Jongin watched as the dancers packed up their belongings from the back of the room.

“Jongin?” The director said.

Jongin looked to her. “Yes?” he had not moved to pack up his own things, yet.

“There’s someone here to see you.” She motioned for the person to enter the room.

Jongin’s heart pounded in his chest. His ears rang and his legs grew weak as the figure entered the room. But when the light hit them, he was disappointed. For a split second, he imagined it was Kyungsoo, but now he knew it was his old coach. Still, Jongin was happy to see him, so he ran towards him.

“Coach!” he cried as he threw his arms around the old man’s shoulders. His body was shaking and wet streams of tears ran down his cheeks.

“I’m happy to see you too.” His coach pushed him to arm’s length and smiled warmly at him. “Look at you, how you’ve grown!”

Jongin laughed. “It’s only been six months.”

His coach poked Jongin’s chest. “Yes, but you’ve grown here.” He pulled him back into a hug. “Besides how could I miss my favorite student’s first leading performance?”

Jongin smiled and squeezed his coach tighter. All thoughts of Kyungsoo had been chased away by the familiarity of his coach. He really was happy to see him.

After they broke the hug for the second time, his coach said, “Come, let’s grab dinner and talk.”

~*~

It was the night of the show and Kyungsoo had requested off work. Yet, he was still sitting inside his car in the parking lot. On the passenger seat was a bouquet of flowers, a generic card of congratulations, and a letter he had written and rewritten at least twelve times last night. He still was not sure if he was going to give Jongin the letter so it lay under the flowers.

Kyungsoo glanced up and watched as people filed into the venue. He knew he needed to go to his seat soon or they would give his ticket to someone on the waiting list and he had paid a lot of money to be taken off such a list. More people passed by his car, hand in hand and chatting excitedly amongst themselves. He sighed and reached for the flowers and the card. His hand hesitated for the letter. After what felt like an hour, he grabbed it and stuffed it into his jacket pocket and stepped out the car.

The crisp wind whipped his hair about as he walked to the entrance. His heart fluttered in his chest and the bouquet slipped in the sweat from his palms. It tumbled to the ground and Kyungsoo panicked. “No!” He caught it in the last second but lost a few petals off the roses from the jostling.

He took a deep breath and steadied himself. He gave the doorman a curt nod and followed the crowd to the atrium. Several ballet dancers were standing outside the doors and were ushering in everyone. They wore masks, so it was hard to tell their identities, but one dancer looked incredibly familiar.

Kyungsoo tried to catch the dancer’s eyes, but was ushered too quickly to get a good look. He quickly found his seat and laid the roses across his lap. His eyes were glued to the curtains and his heartbeat pounded in his ears.

Soft music started and the curtains drew open.

 

~*~

Jongin fidgeted in his chair while the makeup artist put glitter on top of the dark dramatic eyeshadow. He knew his parents had flown in from Korea to see his performance so his excitement was hard to contain. He had not seen them since he left for the States and missed them dearly.

“All set.” The makeup artist said and stepped back to admire her expertise. “Break a leg out there Jongin.” She gave him a quick hug and then moved onto the next ballet dancer.

Jongin walked his head high and back straight. The nerves and butterflies that racked him earlier had settled into a calm, numb sensation. He took several deep breaths and then headed on stage to do one quick run of the routine.

He could hear the audience talking behind the curtains and for a second his nerves returned, but another calming breath removed them. It was true that this was his big night, but it was also true that he was well prepared for it.

Despite his minor lapse two days ago, he felt stronger than ever. He did not even entertain the idea of Kyungsoo being here tonight because he no way of knowing he would even be performing tonight. Not only that, but dance was his one true love now.

After his quick run through, he joined the rest of the performers in the back. The director had everyone grasp hands and she gave them all a pep talk. Her sharp face was tense but also excited. This would be her debut as a director so she also had a lot riding on tonight’s show.

After the pep talk everyone shared hugs and pats on the back. Then they all took their places on either side of the stage. The lights dimmed and the audience was silenced. Soft music began playing and Jongin took one final deep breath before stepping on stage.

 

 

~*~

Tears rolled down Kyungsoo’s face. Jongin was simply beautiful as he danced on the stage. Every leap and pirouette was in perfect form. Every arabesque and cabriole was in perfect sync and his expressions were emotional and poignant.

When the performance reached its final act Kyungsoo was sobbing. He knew Jongin had always been an amazing dancer but he never really appreciated his passion until now. To his right, he noticed that Jongin’s parents were also crying. They shared a glance and then turned back to the stage where Jongin was gliding across the stage.

Finally, the last song came on and Jongin was on the stage by himself. In the story of the ballet, his character had found his love interest dead and had run off to end his own life. Kyungsoo leaned in as he was drawn even more into the performance. He felt his heart squeeze when Jongin’s expression took on pain. More tears leaked from his eyes, and his throat tightened.

His tongue wet his lips and he tried to keep himself from letting out a sob, but when Jongin crumpled to the ground as he ended his life, Kyungsoo let out a tiny whimper. He quickly covered his moth with his hands as his shoulders shook. Tears flowed freely, blurring his vision, his chest was so tight and his throat even tighter. A hand touched his back and he glanced over to see Jongin’s mother pulling him towards her. She, too, was sobbing. Her makeup had run down her cheeks and her blouse was damp where the tears fell.

The lights dimmed to blackness and Kyungsoo turned into Jongin’s mother’s chest and cried. They both cried. One from pure joy and the other from a place of such deep pain and guilt.

 

~*~

Jongin stood up and put his arms around the two dancers that stood next to him. They all bowed simultaneously and the audience cheered. Flowers were thrown onto the stage and several of the dancers picked some up and smelled them.

Still catching his breath Jongin walked to the edge of the stage and looked for his parents. He scanned the rows until he saw his father. He waved at him and then searched for his mother.

Two feelings fought their way to the surface when he saw her. Excitement and then shock. He dropped his arms to their sides and squinted at the man she was hugging. His stature, the color of his deep red hair, the jacket, all those signs pointed to Kyungsoo, but he could not believe it. He starts to take a step forward when the director grabs him by the arm and pulls him backstage.

“You were amazing!” She hugged him tightly and then jumped up a down in elation. “We have a few interviews to do first before I let visitors come back here.

Jongin nodded robotically. “Right.” Yet, he could not erase the image of Kyungsoo in his mother’s arms. How had he found out about the show? Did they tell him? And why after all this time would he show up now? What gave him the right to just waltz back into Jongin’s life after the way he left?

These thoughts swarmed through his head as he was led to the cameras to do the interviews.

 

~*~

Kyungsoo sat in his car again. He had turned down Jongin’s parents’ offer to go to dinner with them after the show. In fact, instead of staying with them to see Jongin, he had chickened out. “Why can’t I just face him?” He said and slammed his fists onto his steering wheel. By accident he had pressed the horn and when he looked up to apologize, he saw Jongin.

They stared at each other for a while. Slowly Kyungsoo opened his door and got out. When he looked back up, Jongin was standing right in front of him. His eyes were watering but his lips were pursed in a firm line.

Kyungsoo’s hand twitched. He wanted to touch Jongin so badly but he could not allow himself. He glanced at the flowers in his car and then back to Jongin, who looked even more like he was going to cry. “Congratulations?”

Jongin nodded and swallowed hard before speaking. “You’re really here.”

Kyungsoo wet his lips. Again, his hand ached to touch Jongin’s face. He searched his eyes and felt a sad smile tug at his lips. He saw the tears spill onto Jongin’s cheeks and he could not control himself any longer. He reached up to cup Jongin’s face and felt his own tears start to fall when Jongin leaned into his hand.

Jongin then cupped Kyungsoo’s face and pulled him into a kiss.

It had been 364 days since the last time Kyungsoo kissed Jongin. It had been 8736 hours since the last time Kyungsoo kissed Jongin. It had been 524160 minutes since the last time Kyungsoo kissed Jongin and he had been miserable for every single one. But here, in this parking lot, in front of his rental car, and on a cool autumn day, Kyungsoo was finally happy again.

His lips moved against Jongin’s, saying he was sorry, over and over. He breathed in his scent, tasted his taste and felt the warmth of Jongin’s body against his own. In this moment, everything was right. In this moment, the world melted away and they were just two people who never should have been apart in the first place. In this moment, Kyungsoo vowed to himself that he would never leave Jongin again.

Echoing his thoughts, Jongin said, “Never leave me again.” He was smiling that smile he had saved only for Kyungsoo. He pressed his forehead against Kyungsoo’s and stroked his hair. “Never, ever leave me again, no matter what.”

Kyungsoo sniffled and hugged Jongin, pressing his face against Jongin’s shoulder. He held onto him as if he would float away in the breeze. Jongin was his anchor. Jongin was his world. And he now knew that his decision a year ago was a mistake. In trying to do what he thought was right for Jongin, he only hurt the both of them.

He inhaled deeply and pressed himself even harder against Jongin. “I promise.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally updated this after years of sitting on it. It's complete now!


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